Toxic Relationships Are Like Diamonds In The Rough!

Toxic relationships are like diamonds in the rough because until we shine them up, their brilliance cannot be appreciated.  In shining them up we start to value their lessons and how they can help us to achieve healthy happy partnerships and increase self esteem.

When we learn our lessons, of why we are in a toxic relationship, then the need for this kind of relationship, will dissolve and we will move forward.  If we don’t learn the lessons, the relationships change, however the lessons stay the same.

I used to save women when I was younger because I felt responsible for others.  There was always lots of drama and being upset a lot. This was my lesson.  When I started working on my self esteem, I started learning the lesson of being responsible only for myself.  Then my relationships with women changed to become healthier ones over time.

When we accept taking responsibility for everything in our life, the drama will pretty much stop.  There is less acting out and acting in going on.  The opposite is unfortunately true as well.  To the degree we feel like a victim, is the degree we experience some kind of drama and have relationships that don't work in our lives and suffer from low self esteem. See self esteem exercises.

Toxic relationships rob of us of our personal power.  What is personal power?  It is the ability to create the life we want rather than complain about the life we don’t want.  Having personal power says we are capable of creating what we want. We have the ability, the desire, the determination, etc to have a life worth living.

A relationship that doesn't work, is any kind of relationship that does not empower us to be who we are and do what we love doing.  The value of these kinds of relationships is in the lessons to be learned.  The only way to learn the lessons is to take responsibility for ourselves.  This means stepping outside the normal routines of the relationship and getting some kind of support to really see what is going one.  In other words, learn the relationship dynamics, and see what our part is. 

Support can come from this website, counseling, talking to a friend who is in a healthy relationship and reading books on how to have a healthy relationship.  To get the support we need, we must be willing to have a new experience of ourselves and our relationships.  In other words we are tired of the same old, same old, and want something different for ourselves.

How Toxic Relationships Hurt Us!

  1. They keep us stuck in a vicious cycle of not having what we want.
  2. We feel less than, or not good enough a lot of the time.
  3. We feel better than the other person, yet deep down the opposite is true.
  4. There can be a lot of acting out, drama, even some violence, that undermines’ personal safety.
  5. There can be some acting in, feeling depressed, cynical and lazy about life.

How Toxic Relationships Help Us!

 The only way and the most important way is in understanding the lessons to be learned.  When we get the support we need to identify the lessons we can then make the necessary changes.  When we make the changes, we break up the old dynamic, and attract healthier relationships.

Toxic relationships on a deeper level, often reflect family dynamics.  How many times have we heard, “oh she married her Father, or she looks just like his Mother".  We do this for a reason until we know better or unless we really genuinely like our parents, then it doesn’t matter so much. 

10 Common Family Dynamics Of Toxic Relationships.

  1. She/He is just like my mom/dad and I hated them, they are so controlling!
  2. He is just like my dad, and was never there for me.
  3. My mom/dad were always angry and so is she/he.
  4. She is just like my mom, and was never there for me.
  5. She is like my mom, always practical, never maternal.
  6. She/He is like my Mom/Dad, doing everything for me and never letting me be an adult.
  7. She/He is just like Mom/Dad always drinking, I am so embarrassed and angry.
  8. I can never do it good enough for my Mom/Dad and I can’t do it good enough for my  partner either.
  9. I couldn’t trust my parents and I can’t trust my new partner. 
  10. She/He is so materialistic just like my parents.

We Date What We Know, Until We Know Better!

 Even if we date the opposite of what we know, we are still at the effect of the dynamic. For example if we date a person who never drinks, because our Mother was a drinker and that drove us crazy, we are still reacting to the dynamic. 

To change unhealthy relationships to healthy ones, we need to change ourselves.  We do this by identifying the lessons we need to learn, and start learning them, by taking responsibility for our part of the toxic relationship.

For example: When I identified my lesson in unhealthy relationships as “saving women” rather than taking responsibility for myself, I started to also identify what I really wanted in a relationship for myself.  When I did this everything changed and I got married shortly thereafter. 

Toxic relationships are all too common, yet within them, contain the answers to what we need to do, to experience healthy, happy partnerships and great self esteem.

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