Good relationships take work, effort and one does not have to compromise! What, no compromising?!!! Hang on, hang on, I’ll get to what I mean in a moment.
Having a working relationship is also healthy for our self esteem. We also can't have a positive healthy relationship with another person unless we have a healthy relationship with ourselves!!
Anew Self Esteem 4 Women helps women to spiritually build self esteem, confidence, and self empowerment by sharing encouraging empowering, tips and strategies that will help enhance your everyday life.
Learn passive listening for good relationships.
Passive listening is just like its name. You listen to your partner in a passive way, without using words, or expressing feedback, feelings or opinions. See passive listening.
Learn active listening for good relationships.
Active listening is mirroring back your partner’s statements with feeling. What it does is emotionally validates a partner. This is a very powerful communication tool and when used greatly enhances our self esteem. When each partner can do this for the other, it shows enormous love, trust and respect for each other. Plus it feels great to be emotionally validated. See active listening.
Learn to speak using "I"messages is for good relationships.
Learning to speak using I instead of you is so powerful and life changing in relationships. It takes courage, vulnerability and being brutally honest to reveal one's true and real emotional being to someone else.
It also takes high self esteem to use this communication technique. However, the rewards are priceless!!
Take responsibility for your part.
We are each 100% responsible for our part of a relationship. The same goes for our communication.
When we fully own everything to do with ourselves, life just becomes so much easier with much less drama and upset. There is no one to blame, no one to project our upset onto. It’s us 100%. We are each responsible for our opinions, our judgements, our feelings and thoughts and actions.
When we screw up we take responsibility for the screw up. Simple. What does this mean? We own our mistakes, our screw ups. We tell the truth about them. Yes it was me. I made the mistake. I screwed up. Then see if an apology is in order or some other action that is needed to fix the mistake and or screw up. This is what really makes good relationships.
Also, when we take responsibility for ourselves and our lives, our self esteem is greatly impacted in a positive way. We always feel better about ourselves when we are being responsible as opposed to being irresponsible.
Keep communicating till to you get to the love!
This is one tool I use a lot in my own relationship. When you are having an argument or a heated discussion with your partner make a silent commitment to keep going till you feel the love again. The argument is only temporary anyway. If you can do this the length of the upset can be diminished and you can get back to feeling the love.
Give each other space to be yourselves.
Imagine 2 oak trees side by side, not so close, that one’s leaves shades the other out and not so far away that one cannot see the other. This is how we need to be in a healthy relationship.
When we give each other space to be ourselves, we are trusting and respecting the other person. We are not here to try to dominate one another, control one another or make each other wrong. Those dynamics are in toxic relationships not healthy ones.
Give up the need to be right.
Would you rather be right and unhappy or wrong and happy. It isn’t necessary to be right all the time or even some of the time. No one is keeping score. We need to check our egos at the door to our homes.
Learn ways to create win win scenarios rather than win lose or compromise.
What is a win win scenario? A win win scenario is where both people win. A compromise is when someone gives up something in order to come to an agreement. A win lose scenario is where one person wins and the other loses.
Win win scenarios demand new thinking and being creative in solving problems.
When my son Jason was around 4 yrs old we went to visit his Grandparents. When we got there, I started to pack things in from my truck to their house. Jas said, “ Daddy I want to hold your hand” I said “I’m sorry son, I need to carry this stuff into the house. Then I said “How can we make this work?” Jas said “I know, I can hold your other hand”. Brilliant idea. So, I carried a few bags in with my right hand, with Jason holding my left hand. A win win scenario.
Do what makes you feel good!
The more you do what makes you naturally feel good about yourself, the better you feel. The better you feel about yourself (greater self esteem), the more you contribute to your good relationship. One action feeds the other action.
What action makes you naturally feel good about yourself?
Stop relying on your partner to get your needs met.
Toxic relationships are 50 50 or something close to that. Good relationships are 100% 0. This means we rely on ourselves to get our own needs met. In toxic relationships we rely on our partners roughly 50% of the time to help get our needs met.
Follow your bliss!
Take the time to identify what you love doing and do that. This would contribute enormously to the relationship. The happier one is doing what one loves, brings more happiness to the relationship.
Also, in doing what one loves, greatly enhances ones self esteem.
Do the Judgement Process.
A judgement process helps to heal any existing feelings of separateness between two people and ultimately brings these 2 people closer together.
In a private setting where there are no time restraints etc. sit across from each other. One person picks an A the other a B. A’s go first.
The Judgement Process.
The person who is an A says” A judgment I have about you is” (names the judgement)
The person who is a B simply says “Thank-you”
The person who is A then says” I now see that this judgement doesn’t mean anything about you or me:
The person who is a B says “Thank you”
Move on to the next judgement.
End with the biggest judgement I have about you is (name the biggest judgement)
B says Thank You
Then switch roles. It’s B’s turn to name that judgement of their partner and A’s turn to say Thank-you.
The judgements can start off harmlessly like having a judgement about someone’s ear, or nose etc. As one gets deeper into the process, the judgements can become more personal. Keep going. Remember judgements don’t mean anything about us but we use them to keep ourselves separate from other people.
Sometimes doing this process, our partner suddenly reminds us of a family member, like Mom, Dad, a Sister, etc. If and when that happens, keep going with the process. This just means, deeper healing is taking place.
Do the Something I love About You Process!
Right after the judgement process do the something I love about you process. This is a very powerful 2 part process that really promotes healing, creating good relationships and enhancing self esteem.
As in the judgement process each partner picks an A and a B. A’s go first.
While looking into B’s eyes A says “ Something I love about you is” (name that something)
B says Thank you.
Continue until A runs out of things to say and then says”
The biggest thing I love about you is (name that thing)
B says Thank You
All good relationships take work. If we are willing to learn new ways of communicating and being in a relationship, we can have all our relationships work, and work well.
Our self esteem can also be greatly improved!